


Dungeoncaught

by dogtier



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gaming, Gen, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-10 15:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/787651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogtier/pseuds/dogtier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which several friends fail to kill even one skeleton. Or: The one where they play D&D.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dungeoncaught

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OverEmotionalFuckery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverEmotionalFuckery/gifts).



> Based on Sina's [Aranea the Dungeon Master](http://overemotionalfuckery.tumblr.com/tagged/aranea-the-dungeon-master) AU idea.

"I'll take lead on this," Rufioh said.

"Why are you taking lead?" Meenah asked. "I'm the clear choice for leader."

"I'm more experienced with this game," Rufioh explained. "I know the intricacies of-"

"Intricacies? You just roll some dice!" Meenah said.

"Meenah," Aranea said. "Let's not fight, we're trying to have fun here."

"Fine," Meenah said. "Rufioh can be 'leader' or whatever." 

"Alright," Aranea said. "Let me set the scene. Rufioh, you have just walked into a tavern in a small village. You've been traveling for days and are dying for a meal that's not roasted over a campfire. The tavern's main room is well lit through the large windows facing north but-"

"Boring," Meenah said.

"This is important information!" Aranea said.

"Let's just hit things," Meenah said. "When do we get to hit things?"

"Later!" Aranea said. 

Meenah folded her arms over her chest, sinking down in her seat and grumbling.

"Like I said," Aranea said. "Rufioh-"

"Dante," he said.

"What?"

"My character is named Dante."

"Oh, of course," Aranea said. "Right, _Dante_ , you have just entered the tavern of a small village. Even though it is only mid afternoon the room is full of folks who have been enjoying drink for hours. Quite a few sway when they attempt to walk. The smell is atrocious. What are your plans?"

"I'll talk to the bartender," Rufioh said. "Ask him to recommend costumers that might want to join me on my quest." 

"Me!" Meenah said. "Yo, I'm sitting in the corner and perk up when I see big and handsome, let's skip this bartender nonsense and get to it."

"But Jake and Jade-" Aranea protested. 

"Are with me," Meenah said. "Right kids?"

"Sure!" Jade said. Jake didn't look up from what he was doodling on the back of his character sheet. Jade elbowed him in his side.

"Is it my turn?" Jake asked.

"Just say you're coming on our quest," Meenah said.

"Of _course_ I'm coming on the quest," Jake said. "I'd hardly be any sort of adventurer if I turned down a quest."

"There we go," Meenah said. "Everyone is gathered." 

"Perhaps then," Aranea said, "We should go around and have everyone introduce themselves." 

"Do we have to?" Meenah sighed.

"I insist," Aranea said. Meenah groaned.

"Like I said before," Rufioh said. "I'm Dante."

"Hi Dante!" Jade said cheerfully. "What brings you to town?"

"I'm in search of a team," Rufioh said. "A team of brave men and women who wish to rights the wrongs of the world."

There was a pause.

"And find treasure?" he added.

"That's more like it," Meenah said. "Glad to have you aboard." 

"So tell us more about yourself!" Jade said.

"Yeah," Meenah said. "What kind of weapons do you have?"

"I have my trusty short sword," Rufioh said. "It's aided me through many a tough situation."

"Cool!" Jade said. "So are you a fighter?"

"I'm a ranger!" Rufioh said.

"Double cool!" 

"Come on, that's enough," Meenah said. "Let someone else go."

"Alright," Jade said. "What should we call you?"

"You can call me Your Highness," Meenah said.

"Meenah," Aranea said. "I explained you can't just-"

"I'm the queen- fine I _was_ the queen, of Alternia-"

"What's Alternia?" Jade asked.

"It's a kingdom! That I ruled!" Meenah snapped. 

"Okay, geez," Jade said. "I was just asking." 

"What happened to your kingdom?" Rufioh asked. 

"It sunk beneath the waves," Meenah said. "While I was gone fighting a fierce battle against the neighboring-"

"You ruled Atlantis?" Jade asked.

" _Alternia_ ," Meenah said. 

"Well, Your Highness," Rufioh said. "What do you bring to our party?" 

"Besides my hip style, which you losers desperately need?" she asked.

"Yes, besides that," Jade said.

"Okay, my class is fighter, so obviously I'm going to be the best in combat," Meenah said. 

"Obviously," Jade said flatly.

"We're all level five, correct?" Rufioh asked.

"Yes," Aranea said. "I know it's more traditional to start at one but _some people_ were impatient to get more feats."

Meenah waved her hand dismissively. 

"Let's move along already," she said. "Who's next?"

"Me! Hi everyone! I'm Lupa," Jade said. She paused.

"Hi Lupa!" Rufioh said.

"I'm a druid! And an elf!" Jade continued. "Also I'm part wolf, you can tell by the long white ears that stick up above my fuzzy hair."

"What do you bring to the party?" Meenah asked. "Can you maul people?"

"Of course I can maul people," Jade said. "But I prefer to talk-"

"Nope," Meenah said. "Stopped listening after 'maul'." 

"Let her finish," Aranea said. 

"Since I'm a druid, so I can do spells and talk to animals and cool stuff like that," Jade said.

"Yeah, that sounds _real_ useful," Meenah said.

"Oh shut it," Jade said. 

"Alright, it's Jake's turn," Aranea said. Jake had zoned out again it seemed. "Jake!"

"What?" Jake asked.

"Your turn!" Aranea said. 

"Oh, right!" Jake said. He sat up straight in his seat and cleared his throat. "Do I need to roll-"

"Just introduce your character," Aranea said.

"Right, right right," Jake said. He scanned his character sheet for a moment, mouthing the words as he read.

"Come on," Meenah whined.

"Meenah-" Aranea said in warning. 

"So my character's Liara," Jake said. "She's a level five rogue and a human and-"

"Fascinating," Meenah said. "I want to hit things, you promised there would be hitting things."

"Meenah!" Aranea said.

"No, I agree," Jake said. "We should hit things soon." 

"But-" Aranea protested. 

"It'll be okay," Rufioh said. "We will be forged into a real team in the furnace of live combat."

"You sound like Serket the Younger," Meenah said. "Fires everywhere."

"I don't know why people still insist on bringing that up," Aranea said. "Our neighbors never even pressed charges." 

"So we have Dante, Lupa, Liara, and Her Highness," Jade said. "That sounds like enough for a good adventuring crowd. Can we leave the tavern now?"

"Where would you go?" Aranea asked.

"She's right," Rufioh said. "We should question the other patrons about where nearby a fledgling warrior might test their mettle."

"You talk like a dork," Meenah said. "But fine. I grab the biggest guy in the room and demand answers."

"You'll start a brawl if you act like that," Aranea said.

"Awesome," Meenah said. 

"No brawling," Rufioh said. "I'm sure the bartender would be happy to direct us."

"Super dork," Meenah said. 

"I approach the bartender," Rufioh said. "And ask to hear his tales."

"And he's happy to share them!" Aranea said. 

"Oh god," Meenah groaned. 

"The bartender tells you of a group of ruins in the forest nearby," Aranea said. "He says their history is clouded in darkness, no one from town dares venture near them."

"Sweet," Jake said. "We get to desecrate ruins. I always wanted to do that."

"What else can he tell us?" Rufioh asked. 

"Nothing," Aranea said. "Save warning you to approach with caution."

"Screw that," Meenah said. "Dungeon raiding time."

"If you insist," Aranea said. "The bartender says the ruins lie in the woods to the southeast of the village, though he can't give you an exact set of directions."

"That's no problem!" Jade said. "We have a druid and a ranger, no forest can deter us."

"Very true," Rufioh agreed. 

"Alright, in that spirit you head out of the village towards the forest," Aranea said. "That was a good warm up. Break time."

"We didn't even fight anything!" Meenah protested. "You should totally have let me start a bar fight." 

"I need a minute to lay out the dungeon," Aranea continued. "Anyway, Jake brought snacks, eat those or something."

"I did indeed!" Jake said. "But shouldn't we be calling them vittles?"

"No," Meenah said. "Because that's stupid." 

"For that," Jake said, rising to head to the kitchen. "You get none of the Goldfish."

"Come on, it was a joke!" Meenah called after him. "You know those are my favorites."

"Quiet down," Aranea said, taping the first of the printed dungeon map sheets to the tabletop and frowning at the stack remaining. She should have numbered them. "I'm concentrating." 

"Here we go," Jake said, returning triumphant with his arms full of brown paper grocery bags. Meenah snatched them immediately, digging through their contents for Goldfish.

"I thought you and Dirk broke up," Meenah said as the contents of the bags were passed around and dished out. 

"We did," Jake answered. 

"Then what's with the soda?" Meenah asked. 

"What?"

"The orange soda, it's Dirk's thing."

"A man can't enjoy a sugary concoction without people making accusations about his dating status?" 

"Pretty much." 

"Well I'll have you know that I'm allowed to enjoy a cup of Crush without Dirk Strider being present."

"Break up was that bad, huh?" 

"I'm not answering that," Jake said. He was on his way to a huff.

"Don't tease," Jade said.

"Thank you," Jake said.

"That's my job," Jade continued. Jake sighed. 

"Here you go!" Aranea said. "The dungeon. Hopefully the map will help facilitate combat coordination. You are right here-"

"Are those Monopoly pieces?" Jake asked. 

"I don't have figurines," Aranea said. " _Someone_ was going to bring some but-"

"It just slipped my mind," Rufioh said. "Next time, promise."

"Can I be the Scotty dog?" Jade asked.

"Of course," Aranea said. 

"I call the racecar," Meenah said. 

"Thimble," Rufioh said.

"Thimble?" Aranea asked.

"Thimble," Rufioh confirmed.

"I'll be the revolver," Jake said.

"You're thinking of Clue," Jade said.

"Really?" Jake asked.

"You can be the cannon," Aranea offered.

"That would be smashing," Jake said.

"Alright, you have made it through the forest. Now everyone is here," Aranea said, arranging the metal pieces. "At the entrance to the dungeon."

"If we have a map, doesn't that kill the suspense?" Jade asked.

"Oh," Aranea said. She slumped in her seat. "I hadn't thought of that."

"Er, sorry?" Jade said. "We're all very good at pretending to be surprised?"

"Yeah," Meenah said. "Cheer up Serket, we'll all gasp at the appropriate moments." 

"Alright, if you say so," Aranea said. She cleared her throat. "You're heading down a corridor. The walls are made of dense black stone, cold and rough to the touch. The floor is uneven as well, requiring your concentration so you don't trip." 

"Do we have a torch?" Meenah asked. "Wait, I totally do. It's in my inventory. I light my torch so we can see shit."

"Alright, you now have a light source," Aranea said. "You continue into the darkness."

"Do we hear anything?" Jade asked.

"I don't know," Aranea said, "Do you?"

"Listen check!" Jade said. "Right, listen check?"

"Yes, you need to do a listen check," Aranea said. 

"Alright!" Jade said. She rolled the dice. "16! Do I add my bonus now?"

"Yes," Aranea said. "But you don't need it. You've already heard-"

"With my sharp canine ears!"

"Yes, with your sharp canine ears you hear the rattling of chains, the grating noise of bones moving against bones somewhere down the darkened corridor. The light from your torch only illuminates a few feet in front of you, the unnatural blackness snuffing the light far earlier than it should. What will you do now?"

"Fight," Meenah said.

"Fight what?" Aranea asked.

"The skeleton things," Meenah said. "Duh."

"You can't attack yet, they're out of range," Aranea said. "And how do you know they're skeletons?" 

"Now you're just being petty," Meenah said. "I draw my sword-"

"You're holding the torch!"

"I hold the torch with one hand and draw my sword with the other and head towards the source of the noise." 

"If both hands are full you take a penalty-"

"Super petty." 

"In that case, you head on deeper into the dungeon," Aranea narrated, pushing the party's pieces across the dungeon map. " It's difficult to keep your footing on the rough stonework because of your encumbrances. You approach a branch in the tunnel."

"I go left," Meenah said.

"How do you-"

"Left." 

"Do you want to-"

"I. Go. Left."

"Alright. As you turn the corner to head left, the cave cricket strikes," Aranea said. She picked up the shoe token and crashed it into Meenah's racecar. 

"What the fuck!" Meenah said.

"The giant insect kicks you square in the chest with its powerful hind legs, roll to see if you drop your equipment as you double over in pain," Aranea continued.

"That is cheating!" Meenah said. "You can't just start combat like-"

"It's fair," Jade said. "You barreled ahead without doing a listen check, otherwise we might have heard the beating of the monster's heart." 

"Lame," Meenah said. "What die do I have to roll?" 

"The d4!" Aranea said. "The little pyramid one."

Meenah sighed but obeyed. 

"You take two points of damage but keep your grip on the torch!" Aranea said.

"Fine, now can I attack back?" Meenah asked. 

"Still holding the torch? You take a penal-"

"Fine, I force the torch into Jake's-"

"Liara," Rufioh corrected. "We really need to work on keeping in character." 

"Into _Liara's_ hands so I can attack with both hands on my sword," Meenah said.

"Excellent," Aranea said. "Now your turn is over-"

"What?" Meenah demanded.

"The torch juggling took an action," Aranea said. "Okay, everyone roll for initiative. Except Meenah."

"That should totally be a free action and you know it Serket!" 

"I got a 18!" Jade said. "Beat that losers!" 

"10," said Rufioh.

"Jake," Aranea said. "Jake, pay attention."

"What?" Jake asked, glancing up from his paper.

"What were you even drawing?" Meenah asked, grabbing for Jake's doodle sheet. "Give it here!"

"No way!" Jake protested but it was too late. Meenah snatched the paper away while he whined. 

"What are these?" Meenah asked. "Those blue cat things from Avatar?"

"Na'vi," Jake said. "Those beautiful creatures are called Na'vi. But no, this is a completely original-"

"It's so one of the cat things," Meenah said. 

"Meenah stop this right now or the cricket will kick you again," Aranea said.

"There's a cricket?" Jake asked. 

"Just roll this," Jade said, handing him the d20. 

"19," Jake said. Jade groaned. "What?"

"You beat me!" Jade said. "You get to attack first now."

"Finally," Jake said. "Alright, I draw my-"

"You have a torch," Aranea said. "Meenah made you hold it. So you only have one hand free."

"Can I drop it?" Jake asked.

"You'll plunge everyone into darkness," Aranea said.

"There should really be some torches along the walls for us to light," Jake said. "That's dungeon building 101 right there." 

"Well there isn't," Aranea said.

"That seems terrible inconvenient," Jake said. "Next time you should ask everyone for input when you're designing the dungeon. It would avoid these sort of problems."

"Just. Attack. The. Cricket," Meenah growled. 

"Oh! I know!" Jake said. "I swipe at the cricket with the torch. Insects are afraid of fire, right?"

"You swing at the beast and it rears back in fright," Aranea said. "It turns to flee."

"I attack now!" Jade said. "Come on, if we let it run we don't get any experience."

"What do you do?" Aranea said.

"Attack!" Jade said. "With my staff!"

"Alright," Aranea said. "Roll aaaaaand you connect! The beast is stunned. Rufioh, you're next."

"I draw my sword and slash at the cricket," Rufioh said, rolling the dice. "Oh man, a 2?"

"You miss, tripping comically over your own boots," Aranea said.

"Ha!" Meenah said, cracking her knuckles. "Now let momma show you how it's done. Give me those dice." 

Jake snatched back his drawing while she was distracted. 

"Alrighty, come on lucky 20," Meenah said. She rolled as hard as she could, sending the dice flying across the table, colliding with the Monopoly tokens and settling on a 15. "Eh, close enough." 

"You've hit the cricket," Aranea said.

"Of course I did," Meenah said. "I'm awesome."

"Roll for damage," Aranea said.

"I'm going to ace this too," Meenah said. Again the die went flying. 

"Impressive. It seems that you sink your sword into the creature's chest," Aranea said, "Piercing its dark heart and killing it. Green blood gushes all over the floor of the dungeon, stinking of corruption."

"Ew," Jade said.

"Awesome," Meenah said. 

"I don't think cave crickets have an evil alignment," Rufioh said. 

"Shush," Aranea said. 

"I just think you're taking liberties with-

"Shush, I said. What will you do now?"

"Listen check to see if there's more monsters out there," Jade said.

"Speaking of which, are there more Goldfish?" Meenah asked.

"What, you ate the whole bag already?" Jake asked. 

"They're delicious," Meenah said. "Seriously, English. Fork some over." 

"Not unless you apologize for mocking my artistic endeavors," Jake said.

"Artistic endeavors? Seriously?" Meenah asked.

"Yes," Jake said. "Calliope has been teaching me."

Aranea snorted. 

"I've never been able to figure why you don't get along with Calliope," Jake said. "She's a wonderful girl."

" _Sure_ she is," Aranea said. 

"Fine, sorry about making fun of your furry art," Meenah said. "Now can I have something to eat? Slaying monsters in hungry business." 

"Actually I only brought one bag," Jake said.

"I retract the apology," Meenah said. 

"Can I just do a listen check already?" Jade asked. "Look, here I am rolling the die. Whoooooo."

"Alright," Aranea said. "You hear-"

Suddenly there was a bang of wood colliding with wall and a bright light pierced the gloom of the basement, blinding them. 

"Hey dorks!" Vriska called from the top of the stairs, illuminated from behind by the afternoon sun shining through the kitchen windows. "Get out of the basement."

"No!" Aranea said. "Go hang with your friends somewhere else."

"No way, the Xbox is down there," Vriska said. "Mom said I could use it so clear out! I'll give you eight minutes since I'm so nice!"

She slammed the door shut, leaving them in dimness once more. 

"Ugh," Aranea groaned. 

"It'll alright," Rufioh said. "We can continue tomorrow. None of us would want to cause you family trouble."

"I would," Meenah said. "Though I have to admit I like Vriska's attitude."

"That's the opposite of a helpful thing to say," Jade said.

"Terribly sorry it shook out like this," Jake said. "Maybe next time we can play at my house?"

"That would be great," Aranea said. 

"I'll bring the miniatures for sure," Rufioh said. "Scout's honor." 

"And I'll get snacks," Meenah said, "Because someone can't be relied upon to bring them in sufficient quantities."

"You can fight once you're out my door," Aranea said. "Come on, move it. You know how my sister gets."

"We understand," Jade said. They cleaned up as quick as they could and dragged their way up the stairs past Vriska, who was sitting on the kitchen counter having a belching contest with John. 

"Having fun?" Aranea asked.

"Tons," Vriska answered. 

Jake and Jade hitched a ride with Rufioh but Meenah lived close enough to walk home. Aranea stood on her front step and waved them farewell.

"Oh, Serket?" Meenah asked once they were alone. 

"What is it?" Aranea asked.

"You and Porrim, how's that going?"

"We broke up," Aranea said.

"That's going around, huh?"

"I guess."

"You doing anything Friday then?"

"Not really. You?"

"I could make room in my schedule."

"That would be nice," Aranea said. 

"So it's a date?" Meenah asked.

"Sure," Aranea said. "It's a date."


End file.
